there’s no such thing as change if change doesn’t start when u messed up. push forward and pursue what ur heart desires.
“
| — | walteeze |
another sigh…moment.
i’m feeling like i’m about to let loose. idk why. trying to maintain my cool. but, it’s not really working. staying to myself helps and i think that’s the only remedy i can come up with what’s going on with me. i won’t spoil anybody else’s day. i’ll just remain silent. smh :(
Today’s Forecast….smh
woke up from a nightmare that i couldn’t believe happened to me. it started with me answering a phone call and here i am (being a good agent and all), help this one customer with their problem. well, it had to come down to me having it escalated for further review (before exchange). somewhere from me doing that to me saying how we don’t build our company from all lies (or something to that affect), got it to where a friend of mine took that somehow, recorded it and blasted all over youtube.
after that whole ordeal, i was already upset with how it was handled and wished that i could do more. the customer was upset as well…frustrated i mean. i went on youtube and found that there was a recording that happened around the same time the call was taken place. it was actually my call i just got off of that they had the audacity to upload and publish to everybody so that i could be even more humiliated. i just couldn’t believe it. it already hit about 1,000 views with comments already underneath of it all. i never felt so humiliated in my life (besides the other thing. but, i’m not getting in to that).
i went on tumblr to talk about my day and i was constantly looking over my shoulder hoping that nobody was around me when i was typing out what i’m saying. tbh, i just wanted to be left alone and stay within my own thoughts. somehow, i was able to fall asleep and wake up with even more distraught images of wtf is going on with me from yesterday to today.
even though i’m off Monday, i kinda wish that i was at work. that’s like my only home away from home that i don’t mind going to. i feel better there. coming back here is like going back to prison. i don’t get it though, here i am suppose to be the big brother in the house and my actions got me to where i’m the little one and my sister is more grown than me.
tbh with u tumblr, idk what’s going on with me and i hope that it shapes up soon. i can’t be living like this every single time. why can’t i live a normal life like everybody else? i know that it takes time to get there. i rather have that lifestyle than the one that i’m in right now. sooo much torture. sooo much pain. all i know to do now is watch ID - Investigation Discovery, tumblr, and working out. i changed so much ever since April of 2012. friends came and left me. some stayed. but, still don’t know how long they would be here. headache after headache. sigh…I HATE IT WITH A FULL BLOWN PASSION!!!
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY DO HOPE THAT Y’ALL ARE HAVING A BETTER DAY THAN I AM!! </3
i can’t remember the nightmare fully. but, that’s basically it.
I’M TIRED….
my mind, body and soul is tired. i just wanna be that person that everybody knew that cared and stayed to his self. yes, i done a lot of dumb s*** in the past that i’m not proud of. i hate feeling like this and wanna change. well, i thought i was doing that till i keep being reminded of the horrible things i done. wow!!! it’s not like i hurt anybody else in the process. the only person that was hurt through this was me. so, i don’t get that.
but yeah, i’m focusing on myself and trying to stay positive. i know that this is only for the season. but, how long is this season? i bet it’s for as long as i shall live. just because they all got me where they want me. home and out of the trouble and in harms way. no more of me being with friends and everything. apparently, i chose the wrong ones (due to what they are saying). i changed a whole lot because of this and i don’t know if i’ll ever be the same again. i try and try not to let the emotions get the best of me. so, i continue to watch what they wanted me to see. it’s been that way for about 2 months now. Investigation Discovery (the station of choice) is my only station/channel that i shall watch. they say that i can watch something else as well. right now, i chose to so that i can feel the pain. it seems like i need to embrace it with open arms because that’s all i’m gonna get out of this life i live.
i wanna get back to what i enjoy doing. one person thinks it’s computers. i mean, i like it. but, it’s not really my passion. either drawing or music. that’s the only things i truly enjoy. but, like they said to me…”there’s no money in it.” they can’t pay for drawings or music. are u kidding me? i’m not the Vincent Van Gogh or the Edgar Allen Poe. I’m not Eminem or 50 Cent….not even Jay Z. i’m ME…trying to get ME out of where i put myself. i don’t have any other kind of help with that. y’all say that u are helping. but, i truly don’t see it. i chose to write this out here because that’s the only kind of journal that i can use that isn’t gonna be questionable. it’s something that i can look at later on in life and say to myself that i had a lot of pain from that point and now look at me!!!
“there’s no such thing as change if change doesn’t start when u messed up. push forward and pursue what ur heart desires.”
f*** what anybody says and just make ur own way. it’s best to do that while u’re still young and have something in both mind physically and emotionally. also, when u are financially stable. i wish i was able to do that a few years ago. i would have been better off to be honest. sigh….i really don’t know anymore. now, it’s like i have to fight every single day with the people that live with me just because i want privacy. i rather be someplace else besides here because i’m not really happy. the only thing that makes me happy is staying with my dog. but yeah, I’M JUST TIRED. MY MIND, BODY, SOUL…EVEN MY ACHING HEART IS TIRED. i wanna sleep and rest on the shoulder of the almighty lord.
PLEASE LET ME KNOW THAT THINGS WILL BE ALRIGHT!!! </3
